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Appropriate Communication in Community

Communication & Community:

There are so many fascinating ways that humans communicate to each other, so many forms we overlook when thinking about how we communicate as well. Humans have a large array of communication techniques like body language, voice/tone, language, facial expression, pheromones, and for those with differences in these areas there are assistive devices for communication which range from technological aids, to fully assistive devices.

We will be giving summaries of the most important information we have learned/found and put together, see our citations for all the resources we used to come up with this information. To check out our main source with indepth guides (click here): https://www.helpguide.org

What to keep in mind during a Conversation?

Conversations about easy and difficult things, both can propose a situation that can be hard to monitor yourself and how you are coming off to the people around you. However, its our job to learn how to keep our peers safe and cared for when having conversations, so this can be a skill we are all continuously learning. (Including me typing this (sorry for breaking the fourth wall)). For many people this self-monitoring can cause a lot of anxiety, so we want to make sure when we do make conversation -especially with new people- that we keep our expectations from the conversation in mind, and not push people to go beyond where they have led the conversation. If a conversation is ending, or someone seems disinterested, its okay to ask them if they are in a position to have/continue the conversation, remind them this comes without pressure to continue.

When we have these weird communication events called talking in-person we keep in mind a few things: 1- Do I like/want or need to have this conversation? If yes then remind yourself of the expectations you have for the conversations and how you want to navigate it. Remind yourself that as you navigate the conversation, you need to take into consideration the responses and feelings of the person/people you're engaging. If no then remind yourself you don't have to stay in this conversation, and if at any point you are uncomfortable or uneased, you can try to renavigate the conversation while also setting a boundary about how much you want to discuss and to what length. If this person/people are making you feel unsafe, you have every right to leave the situation, and find the closest source of safety. 2- Is this a conversation that you feel ready to navigate? This question can seem difficult at first, but knowing whether or not you have your facts, information, or your own opinion on something before engaging in the conversation about it- is completely valid. You can take time in any environment to say, "I need to know more before I keep talking," because no matter how much information you have access to, sometimes you have to find more or gather your thoughts about it. We can't know everything all of the time, but we can definitely identify misinformation when we realize we or others may have be misled. 3- Does this conversation inspire/heal/convserve another person or yourself in some way? If yes, that makes sure that when having the conversation you keep yourself and others in mind about how you discuss the source. If you are unable to give full attention, or someone is unable to give you their full attention, this doesn't mean that you, or they, don't care. It means that you are both people with lives that can be on their own stressful or full of things to do. Sometimes personal reasons or differences, keep us from being able to help/talk/discuss certain things and thats okay. It also means that we know when these special conversations are happening that we find a time to give our full attention for the time we've set aside. Being engage with friends, loved ones, family, etc., is shown best by being a good listener, and excited for holding true to the process they are enduring.

Another key piece to conversation, is remembering all the things you may not know about a person you don't know yet, some people experience: disabilities/ differences, neurodivergency, and anyone could be in a place of mind that is not present due to personal information. Just because any of these things are present, doesn't mean they need to disclose that information with you. Sometimes people have things going on, or that are apart of their life, and neither situation owes you a reason as to why the conversation can't continue, if you feel a need to know that reason/continue.

Why is communication important?

Identifying Predatory Behavior From Others

We all know that there are people out there who are predatory to others. Whether its based on their personal preferences, political issues, mental illness, obscene ideations and/or other reasons. Predators are predators, they don't belong to a group and therefore they can be hard to identify. All communities experience predators that use tactics such as: manipulation, abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, coercion, gaslighting, threatening, grooming, etc. These tactics can be hard to identify early on, and can be easily overlooked in desperation or needs to connect with others. A lot of predators get close to people through navigating conversations into specific areas such as sexual innuendoes, violence, and hate. This can be expressed in many ways and it can be difficult to identify even when deeply involved.

Everyone needs to be aware of the countless non-profit organizations they can use/donate to when it comes to domestic violence, parental instability, and housing instability. Of course this may seem off topic, but many predators use words and conversation to do a lot of the manipulation which can lead to horrific outcomes when unrecognized.

We also acknowledge, that often domestic violence can be very difficult, love and relationships cannot be quantified into words when their trust is broken. We hope to bring awareness to violence in conversations to hopefully acknowlegde these issues earlier on in relationships or conversation.

Being Conscious of the Behavior we Show Others

As a community, it's really important that we talk about how we have failed and suceeded in when it comes to communication. We all have made common mistakes that leave others hurt or confused. We can be more direct and honest about how we feel or want from each other. Not all of us find this easy because of the way we respond to honesty as a community. Sometimes being who you are, both honestly and opennly, can seem very scary because people don't always accept it.

The things that make us inherently human, are sometimes the things that scare us the most. But allowing people to know that we are all in a boat together experiencing likeness realities is important to give recognition and representation to those things that we as a species choose to avoid discussion.

Making sure the impact you have on the people around you is positive is vital. This doesn't mean you are nice to everyone all the time, but that we hold people and ourselves accountable for their actions in a way that helps them understand their misdoing.

It is important for us to take into account what we don't know in a conversation as mentioned above, because having patience and care for any conversation is important. You have no idea what place the person you are talking to is in, its our job to learn the skill of not assuming.

How do I know If I am having an appropriate conversation?

1- Are healthy boundaries being set/ or are healthy boundaries being assumed?-

If the person you are conversing with, (or vice versa) is asking about something private or personal- are they making sure to not assume an answer or put pressure on you to answer if you are uncomfortable. When they (or you) are navigating a difficult/ personal conversation, are they asking about what you're comfortable with sharing, or making sure you are given space to express any boundaries present. Also important to see how others (and yourself) respond to boundaries being set. Sometimes it can seem frustrating, but no person owes you an explanation for the way they choose to assess a discussion. You have every right to set boundaries in communication, sometimes that can take some reiteration or rewording to make sure someone understands. It's important for us to help those who are interested in learning how to care for the conversations we decide to have, rather than get upset when people forget or misunderstand a boundary. We have to learn to remind ourselves of the boundaries our peers set, so that we can best serve them as we want them to serve us in conversation.

2- If the person I am talking to has a large age difference to me (especially if I am younger than 18), a parent of a friend, teacher/professor, is a higher-up coworker/boss, or person I am engaging business with, how do they (& I) handle professional conversations?

If a person you are conversating with has a professional, or expected to hold decorum during your conversations look out for tendencies of being off topics of the need to engage. This can look like asking you personal questions that are more personal than professional, such as topics of sexual nature, topics of extremely comfortable association with you, use of manipulative language -even if not engaged or joked about-, and many other forms.

You want to look for the green flags: keeping strictly to business, (if you are <18) making sure they mention letting your parents know they texted or reached out to you, letting you have space if you are unable to respond immediately, putting little to no pressure on you to be overtly personal in your answers. These people should also be keeping any stress they are experiencing out of your conversation. When asking for a day off, a boss shouldn't need to ask you why or what the need is. (Of course some coworker relationships will grow over time, its still important to know your rights.) There should be no themes of jealously or anger arising from the conversation at hand that is focused on the response of yourself. Manipulation is often easily played off as beind upset or sad about something that is directly related to them being owed more insight into your life, this is never the case. People who are trying to have healthy conversations should keep your private life in mind, by keeping it out of mind, and reminding themselves that they can't ask you to identify that.

3- When this person engaged me (if I didn't respond with the want to continue the conversation):

Did this person make sure to give me space to decide whether or not I wanted to continue to engage? Sometimes people will try their best to keep a conversation going because of the presence of others being low, this isn't a bad tendency and can often be appreciated. But make sure if you do not want to continue the engagement, that you express that explicitly and honestly with as little animosity as possible. If this person does not acknowledge that boundary or end of the conversation, you can choose to re-evaluate the reason why you decided to not engage, or you can re-iterate that fact and walk away or attempt to remove yourself from the situation. It's also okay to call on others around you if someones bothering you to the point of which they are crossing previously set boundaries.

(If it is a virtual conversation, you can block and often report phone #s, accounts, and close other online routes of communication with the user in question. We also have a page on avoiding predators if you'd like to check that out.)

There is always more research being done!

If you would like to help us write about commonly silenced areas or personal experiences you may have with these topics, contact us at thisisactivism2023@gmail.com or fill out our Comments page. We want our website to be a continuous growth of knowlegde to share with each other in a positive way. There are so many things we don't talk about and we should!

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