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We know this is a stressful time, we hope that our resources are able to bring some comfort in this unstable time. We are experiencing this together!
What to keep in mind during a Conversation?
What to keep in mind during a Conversation?
Conversations about easy and difficult things, both can propose a situation that can be hard to monitor yourself and the ways you are potentially being perceived, or ways your actions (including words) directly impacting, the people around you. However, its our job to learn how to keep our peers safe and cared for when having conversations, so this can be a skill we are all continuously learning. (Including me typing this (sorry for breaking the fourth wall)). For many people this self-monitoring can cause a lot of anxiety, so we want to make sure when we do make conversation -especially with new people- that we keep our expectations from the conversation in mind, and not push people to go beyond where they have led the conversation. If a conversation is ending, or someone seems disinterested, its okay to ask them if they are in a position to have/continue the conversation, remind them this comes without pressure to continue.
When we have these weird communication events called talking in-person we keep in mind a few things: 1- Do I like/want or need to have this conversation? If yes then remind yourself of the expectations you have for the conversations and how you want to navigate it. Remind yourself that as you navigate the conversation, you need to take into consideration the responses and feelings of the person/people you're engaging. If no then remind yourself you don't have to stay in this conversation, and if at any point you are uncomfortable or uneased, you can try to renavigate the conversation while also setting a boundary about how much you want to discuss and to what length. If this person/people are making you feel unsafe, you have every right to leave the situation, and find the closest source of safety. 2- Is this a conversation that you feel ready to navigate? This question can seem difficult at first, but knowing whether or not you have your facts, information, or your own opinion on something before engaging in the conversation about it- is completely valid. You can take time in any environment to say, "I need to know more before I keep talking," because no matter how much information you have access to, sometimes you have to find more or gather your thoughts about it. We can't know everything all of the time, but we can definitely identify misinformation when we realize we or others may have be misled. 3- Does this conversation inspire/heal/convserve another person or yourself in some way? If yes, that makes sure that when having the conversation you keep yourself and others in mind about how you discuss the source. If you are unable to give full attention, or someone is unable to give you their full attention, this doesn't mean that you, or they, don't care. It means that you are both people with lives that can be on their own stressful or full of things to do. Sometimes personal reasons or differences, keep us from being able to help/talk/discuss certain things and thats okay. It also means that we know when these special conversations are happening that we find a time to give our full attention for the time we've set aside. Being engage with friends, loved ones, family, etc., is shown best by being a good listener, and excited for holding true to the process they are enduring.
Another key piece to conversation, is remembering all the things you may not know about a person you don't know yet, some people experience: disabilities/ differences, neurodivergency, and anyone could be in a place of mind that is not present due to personal information. Just because any of these things are present, doesn't mean they need to disclose that information with you. Sometimes people have things going on, or that are apart of their life, and neither situation owes you a reason as to why the conversation can't continue, if you feel a need to know that reason/continue.
How do I know If I am having an appropriate conversation?
How do I know If I am having an appropriate conversation?
1- Are healthy boundaries being set/ or are healthy boundaries being assumed?-
If the person you are conversing with, (or vice versa) is asking about something private or personal- are they making sure to not assume an answer or put pressure on you to answer if you are uncomfortable. When they (or you) are navigating a difficult/ personal conversation, are they asking about what you're comfortable with sharing, or making sure you are given space to express any boundaries present. Also important to see how others (and yourself) respond to boundaries being set. Sometimes it can seem frustrating, but no person owes you an explanation for the way they choose to assess a discussion. You have every right to set boundaries in communication, sometimes that can take some reiteration or rewording to make sure someone understands. It's important for us to help those who are interested in learning how to care for the conversations we decide to have, rather than get upset when people forget or misunderstand a boundary. We have to learn to remind ourselves of the boundaries our peers set, so that we can best serve them as we want them to serve us in conversation.
2- If the person I am talking to has a large age difference to me (especially if I am younger than 18), a parent of a friend, teacher/professor, is a higher-up coworker/boss, or person I am engaging business with, how do they (& I) handle professional conversations?
If a person you are conversating with has a professional, or expected to hold decorum during your conversations look out for tendencies of being off topics of the need to engage. This can look like asking you personal questions that are more personal than professional, such as topics of sexual nature, topics of extremely comfortable association with you, use of manipulative language -even if not engaged or joked about-, and many other forms.
You want to look for the green flags: keeping strictly to business, (if you are <18) making sure they mention letting your parents know they texted or reached out to you, letting you have space if you are unable to respond immediately, putting little to no pressure on you to be overtly personal in your answers. These people should also be keeping any stress they are experiencing out of your conversation. When asking for a day off, a boss shouldn't need to ask you why or what the need is. (Of course some coworker relationships will grow over time, its still important to know your rights.) There should be no themes of jealously or anger arising from the conversation at hand that is focused on the response of yourself. Manipulation is often easily played off as beind upset or sad about something that is directly related to them being owed more insight into your life, this is never the case. People who are trying to have healthy conversations should keep your private life in mind, by keeping it out of mind, and reminding themselves that they can't ask you to identify that.
3- When this person engaged me (if I didn't respond with the want to continue the conversation):
Did this person make sure to give me space to decide whether or not I wanted to continue to engage? Sometimes people will try their best to keep a conversation going because of the presence of others being low, this isn't a bad tendency and can often be appreciated. But make sure if you do not want to continue the engagement, that you express that explicitly and honestly with as little animosity as possible. If this person does not acknowledge that boundary or end of the conversation, you can choose to re-evaluate the reason why you decided to not engage, or you can re-iterate that fact and walk away or attempt to remove yourself from the situation. It's also okay to call on others around you if someones bothering you to the point of which they are crossing previously set boundaries.
(If it is a virtual conversation, you can block and often report phone #s, accounts, and close other online routes of communication with the user in question. We also have a page on avoiding predators if you'd like to check that out.)
Being Conscious of How we Interact with Others
Being Conscious of How we Interact with Others
As a community, it's really important that we talk about how we have failed and succeeded in when it comes to communication. We all have made common mistakes that leave others hurt or confused. We can be more direct and honest about how we feel or want from each other. Not all of us find this easy because of the way we respond to honesty as a community. Sometimes being who you are, both honestly and opennly, can seem very scary because people don't always accept it.
The things that make us inherently human, are sometimes the things that scare us the most. But allowing people to know that we are all in a boat together experiencing likeness realities is important to give recognition and representation to those things that we as a species choose to avoid discussion.
Making sure the impact you have on the people around you is positive is vital. This doesn't mean you are nice to everyone all the time, but that we hold people and ourselves accountable for their actions in a way that helps them understand their misdoing.
It is important for us to take into account what we don't know in a conversation as mentioned above, because having patience and care for any conversation is important. You have no idea what place the person you are talking to is in, its our job to learn the skill of not assuming.
Why is good communication important?
Why is good communication important?
We all know that there are people out there who are predatory to others. Whether its based on their personal preferences, political issues, mental illness, obscene ideations and/or other reasons. Predators are predators, they don't belong to a group and therefore they can be hard to identify. All communities experience predators that use tactics such as: manipulation, abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, coercion, gaslighting, threatening, grooming, etc. These tactics can be hard to identify early on, and can be easily overlooked in desperation or needs to connect with others. A lot of predators get close to people through navigating conversations into specific areas such as sexual innuendoes, violence, and hate. This can be expressed in many ways and it can be difficult to identify even when deeply involved.
Everyone needs to be aware of the countless non-profit organizations they can use/donate to when it comes to domestic violence, parental instability, and housing instability. Of course this may seem off topic, but many predators use words and conversation to do a lot of the manipulation which can lead to horrific outcomes when unrecognized.
We also acknowledge, that often domestic violence can be very difficult, love and relationships cannot be quantified into words when their trust is broken. We hope to bring awareness to violence in conversations to hopefully acknowlegde these issues earlier on in relationships or conversation.
Being Conscious of the Behavior we Show Others
Being Conscious of the Behavior we Show Others
As a community, it's really important that we talk about how we have failed and succeeded in when it comes to communication. We all have made common mistakes that leave others hurt or confused. We can be more direct and honest about how we feel or want from each other. Not all of us find this easy because of the way we respond to honesty as a community. Sometimes being who you are, both honestly and opennly, can seem very scary because people don't always accept it.
The things that make us inherently human, are sometimes the things that scare us the most. But allowing people to know that we are all in a boat together experiencing likeness realities is important to give recognition and representation to those things that we as a species choose to avoid discussion.
Making sure the impact you have on the people around you is positive is vital. This doesn't mean you are nice to everyone all the time, but that we hold people and ourselves accountable for their actions in a way that helps them understand their misdoing.
It is important for us to take into account what we don't know in a conversation as mentioned above, because having patience and care for any conversation is important. You have no idea what place the person you are talking to is in, its our job to learn the skill of not assuming.
There are many reasons we obtain consent from other's, and when it comes to the ways we communicate that there are a few things to know. We all have our own unique history, and sometimes that history has trauma. It is not someone else's job to inform you of the trauma they have endured in the past. If they do communicate that with you, then make sure you are asking how you can avoid retraumatization and other ways to avoid the feelings of trauma. When it comes to sexual activity and other more personal matters these communicated boundaries or understandings, are even more important and vital to keep aware of. No one wants to make the people they care about or are interested in, feel uncomfortable around them. However, not all of us are the best at communication due to the years of inhibition we've endured when it comes to open communication. Knowing that not all of us are good at communication is part of having good communication. We are not always up for deep communication, and sometimes we have trouble paying attention. We can accept our faults and others as normal pieces of human communication. Sometimes lack-of-communication can be a way of communication in itself.
Regardless, the effort that we choose to put into the way we communicate, is going the effect the way our relationships function, and following consent rules is a perfect way to get comfortable with this notion. Understanding properties of consent, can open our minds to the reasons that following other's boundaries are important.
What is Precariousness?
What is Precariousness?
Precarious:
“Precarity (also precariousness) is a precarious existence, lacking in predictability, job security, material or psychological welfare. The social class defined by this condition has been termed the precariat.”
Precarity is a good gauge to use when looking at visible and non-visible identities, because we are gauging the level of danger for a given identity based on different situations. While some people may carry identity privileges, it does not take away from their precarious identities, or the impact they may have in someone’s day-to-day life. When discussing identities and power struggles, utilizing the lens of precarity can help us to navigate complex intersectional scenarios.
What is Equity?
What is Equity?
Equity as a concept differentiates from equality in that it is a way for us to view the necessity of not having equal support for each person, but rather finding the way for everyone to have equal access to the support they may need to meet their basic human needs and have access to the spaces and resources necessary for human spiritual health. A goal of equity is to acknowledge how the trades that we make of our energy for a common goal, may not always look equal, but have similar weight to each person and their ability to contribute. Equity is a large piece to understanding the best ways we can create more accessible spaces, as well as essential to addressing various kinds of power imbalances relating to hierarchies of race, class, citizenship, sexuality, assigned gender status, ability, and more.
Our personal ability to talk/hold conversation for our community members to hold them accountable, is what creates a healthier and safer space in our community. It's imperative that we take time and space to really have a conversation that can centers both people's needs, while also being concise and aware of time and energy. There are so many reasons why conversations can become difficult, but ignoring them long-term is not always helpful. We understand that sometimes ending a relationship is the only safe or reasonable way to go about things, it is in those scenarios that we hope people take extra care of their safety. Sometimes we get a feeling that a relationship is unwell or going sour, often talking to the other person and asking questions can help you decide if you still feel that way. It's important that we take our feelings seriously, but also be aware of our impact on other people when we have these conversations.
No one can tell you exactly what the best way to handle these conversations for you, but you deserve to have safe and healthy confrontation, responsibility and accountability from the people in your life. We all need the peace and quiet of our own thoughts to come into a conversation from a good point of view. However sometimes people have done us wrong in ways that really hurt us, and we also have to hold space for ourselves to feel that hurt. To process our emotions and come to a conversation, does not mean we do so with out the emotions we processed through. While we don't think that abusive behavior is helpful, there are many ways in which harsh feelings and harmful behaviors can be expressed and called out at the same time. While people can try their bests to ignore how they feel when talking about something, we should not encourage that kind of relationship. People should be in relationships where they feel comfortable to feel how they may due to your actions. True trust, respect, and loyalty, are what provide people with the ability to feel safe enough to communicate these types of issues.
Consent and Health & Sex Conversations:
Consent and Health & Sex Conversations:
It's important that we increase health awareness around the topics of sex, because sexual partners are sharing fluids and bodily contact, which can permanently affect one's health. Being aware of all the health positives and awareness of potential negatives, is what allows for a person to make an informed decision, which is required for proper Consent. No one should ever be pressured into having sex, which includes any type of convincing, talking someone into, or suggesting something should happen. Consent should be clear and enthusiastic, for all partners involved. Someone should never be so caught up in their own pleasure, that another person's pleasure, comfort, or consent is over-ridden or ignored.
Often people who want to have conversations about sex, are not doing so in a way that is comfortable, consensual, and/or without assumption. These traits can build habits that are predatory, and unsafe for people to engage with. It's vitally important that we learn how to de-sexualize the conversations around sex, so that we can be both clinical and caring about the way we interact with eachother's bodies. If there are people significantly older than you, or that have power over your position in a work place, try to engage in conversations about sex (specifically without your invitation); its likely that they often participate in that type of predatory behavior.
Often people in community don't want to call out the prevalence of the predatory nature in romantic, platonic, and sexual relationships around them, which can cause direct harm to the community. However, we also have to understand the historical roots of abuse and manipulation of AFAB people, and how most AFAB people are constantly at risk of violence from men. When an AFAB person is pregnant, the most likely way for them to die is murder by a man. 1 in 6 AFAB people have been sexually assaulted; all AFAB people know someone whose been sexually assaulted. While these often only mention the extremes, all forms of violence, manipulation, abuse, and assault, are never okay; and we should do everything in our power to not let these systems continue to hold power and take hold of over lives. When people are able to manipulate the systems of which a person must live within, there will always be a lack of consent. Even when we believe we are taking the time to care about autonomy, we need to check in with the people around us to see what we can be doing better. Furthermore, when it is safe, we should do what we can to check in with the safe people around us when we are experiencing potentially abusive behaviors from any person. We have seen the extremes of these ideals throughout the darkest times in our human history, however these hateful and abusive ideals still run strong today. Among the many reasons people should take more time getting to know one another and learning the respect that people are willing to have for one another.
Sexual Education is a vital part of growing up, but not having the information can be dangerous and threatening to their ability to consent and stop unwanted or dangerous behavior from others.
We want to end this with the important statement: When you want to help vulnerable people, and when you want to help people be vulnerable, those environments will always attract predators. Predators are always actively looking for the types of groups and people that will allow them to flourish. It is important that when we do any work, from education on health to activism in the streets, we have to be eyes wide open for predatory behavior /nature in our peers. When handling that predatory behavior we have to be willing to let people respond to being told they are reproducing predatory behaviors or social constructs that cause harm. We must be able to call out these systems that oppress us by being predatory in our communities.
Difficult Conversations:
Difficult Conversations:
We can do everything right or ethically, and we will still find ourselves needing to hold difficult conversation. Whether we need to learn how to set boundaries or confront other people in our lives, difficult conversations are hard to have, and often times we will try to ignore their necessity in living a peaceful and balanced life. If we learn how we can handle conflict best when it arises, then we will be less likely to experience anxiety in those moments, giving us the confidence to hear any criticisms with active listening and holding yourself or those counterparts accountable. Many people gather stress, which can lead to life-threatening health issues, rather than confront the people in their lives about the things they feel or experience. It's vital that we unlearn this tendency, and allow ourselves the grace to find our way through these events together, rather than losing community to a lack of action.
There is more research being done to finish this page, please be patient with us.
There is more research being done to finish this page, please be patient with us.
If you would like to help us write about commonly silenced areas or personal experiences you may have with these topics, contact us at thisisactivism2023@gmail.com or fill out our Comments page. We want our website to be a continuous growth of knowledge to share with each other in a positive way. There are so many things we don't talk about and we should!
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